Defining Moments

Thanks so much everyone for the positive comments and encouragement.  Here is the beginning of the next chapter - this chapter is about the first week of diagnosis.  This chapter will require tissues, unfortunately - just a forewarning in case you need a heads up.

Defining Moments

There are times in every person’s life that you just know will be a defining moment.  There have been a few for me in my 43 years.  The day my father died I knew that I would never be the same, nor would my mother or sister.  I knew that I would have to become the support for my mother and take care of my sister.  All of this panned out as expected and even more so to some extent.   Then there is the day I married my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, who has made my life nothing short of a blessing.  The birth of each of my daughters was the end of life as we knew it on many different levels – mostly for the good – bringing an appreciation for every day no matter how hectic or exhausting.

Then there are those moments that you wish were not going to define you, but somehow they still do.  That moment for me was the day I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.  

It was the first Thanksgiving since Tim’s mom died of cancer.   We celebrated with both of our families.  Being all together was the only option as it was the first major holiday without her.  It was a very difficult time.  However, throughout the weekend Tim & I proceeded to decorate the house for Christmas.  It is good to have children because they give you a reason to continue with life as usual, even in the face of sadness.

The best part of the weekend was when I was determined to put lights up on the highest part of our roof this year.  You see, Tim is afraid of heights and has never quite been able to make it to the highest point.  After watching our pregnant neighbor up on their roof with her husband (also afraid of heights) on their lawn giving her directions.  I figured that if Sarah could do it, so could I.  If Tim was not going to go up then I would show him that it was possible.   I climbed up from the back so that I could just crawl across to the front and hang over to do the job.  Yeah, right!  I got up there and just froze!  I could not move any farther.  I looked at the cul-de-sac behind me and saw another neighbor outside with her boys – “Look –Jackie’s on the roof!”  It took me over 10 minutes to be able to slide back down.  Boy did I show him how it was done!   Since then, our lights go up over the garage and over the first level only and that is enough spirit for us!  Why is this important to my story of breast cancer?  Well, I do have a stubborn streak - which is not always a bad thing as you will see.  Ask anyone who knows me and has tried to tell me “that won’t work”.  I will do everything in my power to make it work, then especially.  Ninety percent of the time I am right and find a way to make it work.  The other ten percent…well, let’s just say I am still improving on my ability to admit when I just cannot make something work.

November 28, 2005

Monday after Thanksgiving, back to school.   I had an appointment for my annual exam after school.  I saw the nurse practitioner, Kelly Dale, since I was not pregnant and had never had any problems.  It was just a routine check up – you know pap and breast exam.   Never a favorite, but no worries.  I mean I was only 37 and was not even supposed to have a mammogram yet.

Then, as Kelly did my breast exam she went over a certain area several times - slower and slower each time.  I had this very detailed ridge underneath the left breast right where the underwire of my bra hit on the inside of the breast.  Kelly felt a lump that she wanted me to have checked right away.  She said it was very suspicious and made many phone calls to get me in for a mammogram as soon as possible.  The normal wait time was 2 weeks, but they got me in on Wednesday.  Kelly made an appointment with Dr. Tom Smith.  She said that he was a new addition to the surgery department and she really liked him.  His specialty is women’s health.  She got me in to see him on Thursday morning. 

This was the start of the longest week of my life.  Some parts are a blur, and some are just as clear as day.  The drive home was only about 5 minutes.  I called my mom and told her what was going on and that I was very scared.  Then I remember sitting in the van in the garage for several minutes talking with Mom and then just sitting there scared to death to walk in the house and have to tell Tim what was happening.  I went in and Tim was in the kitchen cooking dinner.  Thank God the girls were upstairs at that time because I knew I could not face them yet.   He greeted me with his usual – a kiss and “how was your day?”  I said that I had just come from the doctor and explained the details of the past hour +.    We shared a quiet moment with a long, tight hug.   Then we did our best to go on with dinner and the rest of the night without making our fear obvious to the girls.

Later that night I called my friends Pam & Mary.  They both offered their support and were there every step of the way for the next week and beyond.  Then I mustered the courage to call my sister – my very best friend – I have no idea what our conversation was because that, too, was a blur.  Jodi and I share such a special bond, that telling her was just so difficult – I know that I did, but I do not know how.